I Hate You
by RT4ever
Summary: Sonny knows Brenda's alive, Brenda thinks Sonny's dead. Both are hurting...more talking through the wall


Sonny and Brenda, AKA my favorite soap couple ever.GH keeps making me cranky because I want them to be together and be happy but hey, what can I do besides be happy that they get to have screen time together again :-D which trust me I am.I hope you enjoy the story and please reply even if you didn't.  
  
  
  
Setup: Brenda talks to the unknown person through the vent. Set after Monday, September 23rd's show.  
  
  
  
"You know I could never understand his life, in fact I hated it. Just like I hated him."  
  
Sonny grimaces and he moves his head away from the wall  
  
"I hated him so much."  
  
His head moves closer, were those tears in her voice?  
  
"God I hated him so much. I hated loving him.  
  
I hated loving him so much that I didn't care about the mob. I hated loving him so much I could deal with being kidnapped, shot at, lied to, and I never would have left him. I knew we'd probably never grow old together, I knew I'd sit up too many nights worrying I'd never see him again.  
  
I hate not being able to truly love someone whose main goal in life would be making me happy, giving me the life I'd dreamed of, the life that would make Julia drool.  
  
I hate him for leaving me even though it was to keep me alive. I hate him for kissing me when I thought I was over him, I hated going off that cliff and thinking of him. I hated him thinking I was dead.especially when even now after he died in my arms I keep expected him to come back.  
  
I hate him for moving on. I hate that I worry that she couldn't have loved him like I di...no do.He deserved that love. I wanted him to have that love, but I can't imagine how it was possible for that to exist between anyone besides us. We had that real love in the end, the just knowing that they really do love you and would anything in their power to keep you happy, to keep you safe.of course not necessarily in that order." She gives a small laugh and stops and smiles for a moment.  
  
He smiled with her.  
  
"I bet you anything he felt the same way I'm feeling now when he thought I died. Thinking if I'd just stayed with them.If I'd just stayed with him, I would have lived. while I'm thinking if I'd never let him think I died.who knows if we'd have lasted four years running from them.but I wouldn't have minded death, not when it was with him. we could have been together.god we could have done so much in four years.hell with one year, we could have had a baby..  
  
God his baby, I wanted that so bad. So many times I'd stare at my pills and think about throwing them away, think dropping them one by one into the sink.Every once in awhile I'd actually do it, I'd drop just one in the sink and then I'd be sick with worry for the rest of the month.Because I knew we weren't ready for that, we especially weren't ready to have a baby simply because I'd decided it. But god when I got my period every month I wanted to cry.  
  
I guess it's a good thing we didn't though, I wouldn't want anyone I loved to have this disease; it's too devastating. He would have been you know.  
  
  
  
He would have been devastated. How could I have put him through that?  
  
How could I have let him watch me go insane? There would have been nothing he could have done about it. I would have watched him suffer; I would have watched him slowly being destroyed as it destroyed me.I would have brought him misery.how could I have done that.how could I have hurt him like that? How can I live with myself now though?  
  
When I know he would have wanted to know, but he left me once for my own good, so I'd have a chance at a real life.I almost did it.I could almost fake myself into believing it was what I really wanted.but all I wanted was to know he loved me, I wanted him.  
  
  
  
I didn't care about the consequences and I'm pretty positive he would have felt the same way about my disease which is why I couldn't tell him.If I was dead, he had no choice but to move on.I'm sure he stayed stronger than me.he wouldn't have crumpled like I did. He would have sucked it up and moved on.he wouldn't have wanted to kill himself everyday.  
  
Because when I died he knew that I loved him.I have to believe that.he had to have known I loved him more than anything, but sometimes I'm so afraid he didn't. That I lied as good as he did. That when I walked out of his penthouse, I would have done anything to have stayed.  
  
If he'd only said stay.we can take them on together.we can win this fight or at least we can die together.I would have stayed.I didn't want to die like Lily, but you know what I never would have.I would have died with your love.I would have died for a reason.  
  
  
  
Oh god Sonny why didn't I just stay.What reason do I have anymore to be alive?  
  
  
  
Why am I talking to you, a random stranger as if you were Sonny? I guess I just need to say it, to get it out of bouncing around my brain and into the world.maybe then it would stop haunting me, but I doubt it because I only have one thing left.  
  
All I'll have left now are the what if's.no sunrise will be unaccompanied.there will be no more happy memories that I can simply look back upon and smile.No everything will have a question with it.how many more sunrises would he have enjoyed.if I hadn't..  
  
  
  
God I don't know anything anymore.No I know one thing is he doesn't feel dead and I can't understand how it's possible that he can be.he feels as though he's in the next room and it's not you.well that's if there actually is someone in the next room and not just a ghost of him.  
  
  
  
You know there's one thing I really am afraid of now.what happens if this is it.what happens if he's just gone, that it's over.how can he just end?  
  
  
  
How could it have happened like this?  
  
  
  
I had this weird dream once; we were old and I mean old, like a hundred.actually with the wrinkles we had I'd go with a hundred and twenties easy. I barely remember the dream, but it had us being old foggies sitting out on a porch on our farm, my.no our castle .our dreams combined and the sun was setting on the lake and we watched and I turned to you.No I mean him.god why do I keep saying that.anyway I turned to him and I said that it had to have been one of the most beautiful sights I'd ever seen and he turned to me he said that he agreed because we'd seen it together, which was the only way there was beauty in this world..  
  
It seemed so right because I've seen so much horror with him, some because of him, yet it's priceless.I went insane, but when it was over I realized how strong our love was and I didn't care. How could I not care? All it did was prove our love even more, we couldn't kill it.no matter how hard we tried we couldn't. I fell in love with him that day on the dock, I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I did because he never really left my mind after that. It didn't stop there I just kept falling more and more in love with him every day that passed.  
  
  
  
But I guess that doesn't matter now.God my mind seems so much clearer now.things aren't muddled anymore.wait yea that's me thinking that.Jason was looking at me as if I was decently insane.maybe I should get him to get the pills.but I don't want anything to block this pain, I deserve it.I know I do. God I'm tired now.do me a favor and tell Jason not to bother with food tonight.I'm not hungry."  
  
  
  
She almost fell into bed; completely exhausted by her tears and emotions.the light remained on as she fell asleep. Sonny remained frozen standing by the vent, still staring at it.he had no idea how long he stood there as he comprehended everything.She loved him, she loved him as he'd always loved her.it never stopped it never ended.not even when they believed the other was dead.but she was wrong.  
  
Just as she couldn't believe he was dead now, he couldn't believe it when they told him she had died.He had known something had happened.but he kept waiting for them to find her.he was like Jax, he kept people searching.and he had truly believed when Jax went after her that he would find her and he waited day after day until he returned with the unbelievable news that she truly was dead, but she wasn't she was in the room next to him.  
  
The woman that he expected to spend the rest of his life with, the woman he almost destroyed his life over was asleep in the room next to him and more in love with him than ever.  
  
  
  
He walked back outside to look in on her and watched her sleep.he wanted nothing more than to go to her, to just leave.everyone that was after them believed them both dead.But he couldn't, he couldn't leave Carly and Michael, but what was even worse than realizing that was realizing she'd understand.But they couldn't stay near each other.If she was near, he'd forget his vows, he'd risk their lives, he'd destroy everyone he loved just as he did before with Lily.  
  
He prayed she sleeping as deeply as he believed as he entered her room. He crouched down next to her bed and moved back her hair. "I love you" he whispered into her ear "I've always loved you just as you've loved me.Your blood flows through me.never forget you gave me life in more ways than one.I love you so much baby." He kissed her cheek softly, stood and left the room.  
  
  
  
"Sonny" she murmured as the door closed "No Sonny please don't.please don't leave me again." her head have a slight shake then once more she murmured "Sonny" and fell back into her sleep 


End file.
